Suicide

“Why did you create me God? You did such a terrible job!”

For most of my life I hated the fact that I was brown skinned, too thin, wore glasses, not popular. I hated that my dad was a preacher and I wanted a different mother. I wanted a different life altogether, yet people envied me. I smiled on the outside, but inside I was dying. No, my life was not miserable. I did have two parents at home who loved me and I had friends… But inside I just couldn’t get with myself. I just couldn’t get past myself. The longer I lived the more I didn’t know who I was.

I remember that night when I wanted death to come. Quick and painless, I thought. But a knife wouldn’t work. It would be too painful and too long, so I pulled a trigger to a gun that only existed in my imagination. An ocean of tears flowed as I waited at that blind curve – yes, this was reality. I waited for that speeding car to streak toward me with no time to swerve. But no car came on that once busy street until now…. My anger cried out to the night sky, unable to give my essence freedom. I felt alone… at the lowest point in my life. And all I wanted was for the pain to end. I couldn’t see beyond the bend that was my life, which in my mind lead to swift failure and destruction.

All my young life, I could help others with their issues… but I couldn’t free myself. Who would help me? Rage became my silent friend as self-hate grew within. Unbearable pain had tainted my vision and death was the escape to release my mind’s tension. But it would not come.

What if I had taken my life that night? Those who loved me would still be grieving…

But a new day dawns as the sun signifies new favor and forgiveness and understanding… available to me. So I choose to relinquish my hold of the anger, my hold of the pain and hurt and I choose to yield to God’s flow of forgiveness, knowing that God can make crooked things straight. Now, each time I rise to see a new day I thank God for creating me.

If you open your eyes and see in the midst of all your struggles, you will find someone greater than yourself waiting for you to grab a hold onto. I know where you are. I’ve been down that road. But thanks to Christ, my view is now changed. Life is too precious to throw away.

From the book: Transition: Breaking Through the Barriers, Pg. 9
Written by Allen Paul Weaver III
Published by: IUniverse June 2006